On Fatties

advice segment

Miss Cricket says: Madame Python, we don't often hear men complaining of how their body shape is impacting their relationships, but we know it is an issue of concern for many men.

Madame Python says: Miss Cricket, it most certainly is. Fatties aren't getting laid. They need a sex rescue. They need a sexcue. They need Madame Python.

Miss Cricket: The topic of men's health is too often overcrowded with unhelpful articles about things like balding and low testosterone. This is not helpful to men who have a body image problem. Men need to know that being overweight does not need to mean less fulfilling relationships.  I have created a chart to help demonstrate.

Miss Cricket continues: As you can see, when men are more in touch with their feelings, in touch with who they are, they are more likely...

Madame Python: Oh, for fuck sake. Here's a chart for you.

Miss Cricket: Py, thank you for the work that you clearly did preparing this visual aid. Are you trying to demonstrate that the more healthful a man's body size, the more happy he is?

Madame Python: Wicky, Madame Python does not mince words. Heads up fatties: lose the pounds; get the pussie. A lot of people will tell you a lot of b.s. about how being fat doesn't matter. Yes, it does.

Miss Cricket: I would like to point out, Py, that I distinctly remember hearing you say that your vacation with Dmitry was one of the best romantic get aways you'd ever had. Dmitry is not a small man.

Madame Python: Well, that's different. Dmitry is filthy rich.

Miss Cricket:

Madame Python: Yes, okay. There are, actually, precisely three antidotes to sex-killing extra pounds: money (lots of it), power, and fame. If you are rolling in money, you can be as fat as you want and it will not impact your sex life.

Miss Cricket: Then I will argue that having a good sex life has nothing inherently to do with body shape. It has to do with confidence.

Madame Python: I am confident that having more money than God will help your sex life, yes.

Miss Cricket: It is my contention that it is not the extra pounds which create a barrier to intimacy, but feelings of shame.

Madame Python: Okay, Wicky. We're going to do it your way. I'm willing to test out your theory. We'll do the two naked guys in a courtyard test. Imagine a guy who weighs 280 pounds. He's been on a health kick, does cardio five days a week, weight lifts three days a week, belongs to a biking club and has just lost 100 pounds. He's serenading naked in a courtyard with long stemmed red roses tucked into his ass crack and every fat fold he can find. Another guy who weighs 280 pounds is ineffectively hiding behind a wintry bush. Who gets the girl? You are right, Wicky: the guy with the rose in his ass crack.

Miss Cricket: Right. The man with the roses is not burdened by shame and therefore does not have a barrier to intimacy.

Madame Python: Yep, he's gettin' laid.

Miss Cricket: Any last words, Py?

Madame Python: Madame Python's sexcue prescription for dealing with being fat: get the fat off. But to Wicky's point, it takes time to get in shape and you don't have to put your romantic life on hold while you are working out. Obliterate your shame. Suggested technique: make a commitment to yourself to do some small workout-related thing each day – and do not break your promise for two weeks. Do not cheat yourself. After two weeks, start packing your shame into a personalized surface-to-air missile. After three weeks, shoulder fire that fucker into low orbit. Sit back and listen to the neighbors talk about a new type of northern lights. Buy some long stemmed red roses and start practicing holding them in your ass crack.

Miss Cricket: Thank you, Py, for the nice wrap up.

Madame Python: What if the roses were chocolate roses? What if they melted? What if…

Miss Cricket: We're done. Cut. Good lord. Are we still live? Alice, kill the feed.

Copyright 2013, Elizabeth Cricken, All Rights Reserved