On Balding

advice segment

Madame Python says: Miss Cricket, how many times have we heard men complaining about how they don’t look sexy because they are losing their hair?

Miss Cricket says: Py, I thought we were going to start out with a segment on getting over lost love?

Madame Python: Wicket, the men who are complaining about losing their je ne sais quoi with their hair are either about to lose their love life or have already done so. They need a hair intervention. They need a sex rescue. They need a sexcue. They need Madame Python.

Miss Cricket: They need to take time to get to know themselves.

Madame Python: Like hell. They need to get their head out of their ass.

This goes out to all you men who are fretting about losing your hair. First, no one gives a shit about your hair. Save your money. Do you think Michael Jordan needs hair to be sexy? You don’t need hair. You need posture. Get yourself a military bearing. Like the world is your oyster. Walk tall, gently and with style. Then you can forget about your hair. The balding is now an asset.

Miss Cricket: Tell them about the combing over bit.

Madame Python:

Miss Cricket: Okay, I’ll tell them. It’s probably not a very good idea to try to do any combing over – you know, combing the hair that you have so that it covers up parts of your head that have less hair. That’s probably not ideal. If you feel comfortable with that, sure. But being okay with yourself is very attractive. Being okay with yourself is a…

Madame Python: Oh, for fuck sake, don’t comb over, color over, cover over, hat over, fake over, fart over or fruit cake over anything. Get the hair you’ve got cut short short leaving the bald spot as obvious as possible. Imagine two naked men in a courtyard in front of a bunch of women. One is hunched over and he’s got his business all covered up. The other is standing tall with his feet shoulder width apart, hands on hips and ready to take all comers. The women will be attracted to which man? Oh, yes, right, the one who flaunts his God-given "lordy!" all over creation. That’s who. Be that guy.

Miss Cricket: Are we done now?

Madame Python: Last words, Wicky?

Miss Cricket: Women notice you. If you don’t mention your hair or lack of hair, women won’t notice or care. Don’t mention it ever. Women notice you. And that’s a nice thing. Back to you, Py.

Madame Python: Nicely said, Wicky. Flaunt it, men! Flaunt your bald!

Miss Cricket: Lordy!


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