Madame Python says: Why are you eating miso soup again?
Miss Cricket says: Because it reminds me of Ed. Reminds me of when he was stationed in Okinawa. I was pregnant with Charlie at the time.
Madame Python: But you don’t like it.
Miss Cricket: True.
Madame Python: I was thinking about what to do for our next segment.
Miss Cricket: Right. You were very expressive in the last segment. I think that went well. I’m losing my hair.
Madame Python: Oh, for God’s sakes, you are not.
Miss Cricket: I am. The only reason it still looks good is because I had so much to begin with. And don’t tell me to stand naked in a courtyard showing all my glory to the world along with my bald head. That doesn’t work for women.
Madame Python: You look fine. You look good. What should we talk about in the next segment? I was thinking about women’s orgasms. How important they are… and how utterly important they are... and that they are important….
Miss Cricket: Okay, good topic, but difficult to handle properly. I mean, if you are talking about a, you know, you can talk about bananas or something. Or how to put on a condom – you can use the banana thing.
Madame Python: How about a sports analogy. Men understand sports.
Miss Cricket: That’s a good idea. I am reminded, however, that some people do not understand analogies of any kind. “Concrete thinkers” I think they are called.
Madame Python: Idiots is what I call ’em. Okay, for them, we’ll spell it out with a chart even.
Miss Cricket: You know those charts from school – or really they were diagrams of private parts – those have to be some of the scariest things I ever saw. And all the teachers being embarrassed by the whole thing only added to the problem. But even if the teachers had been fine, those diagrams looked like alien beings or something. I knew I’d run screaming if I ever saw anything like it in real life, and, of course, no one has ever seen anything like it in real life. “Boys have lateral view grey line drawings between their legs.” Good grief. No wonder people don’t know what they are doing.
Madame Python: Okay, no charts. No line drawings. I think we’d better break it into two segments: 1) how to find what’s important, and 2) what to do – and not do – once you get there.
Miss Cricket: Like don’t bring your rough stubble anywhere near, thank you. whoa.
Madame Python: Soccer.
Miss Cricket: What about soccer?
Madame Python: Well, it’s a good analogy. In my experience, good soccer players are always good lovers. They know things take a long long time, but it’s worth it. There was Leo and Pablo and Mario and Federico for starters. There's a lot of o’s in there.
Miss Cricket: Oh. But some things shouldn’t take a long time.
Madame Python: Okay, another segment: things that should take a long time and things that shouldn’t. I forgot Ricardo.
Miss Cricket: Not soccer. Soccer goals take too long. Football is out. Too much stopping and starting. Cricket is out – same reason. Although the friendly attitude is good. Tennis is out. Bunch of bouncing around. Track and field. Run and stop. Wrestling. Not unless it’s sumo, but then that’s too short. Baseball. Not unless we are just talking about one pitch. Hockey. Tiddlywinks. We’re not going to find a sports analogy.
Madame Python: Diego.
Miss Cricket: What did you do, have the entire Argentine soccer team over for tea one day?
Madame Python: No, I was in Uruguay in 2003. Guest of the Gloodtdofsky’s. “Libertad o Muerte” they say. Uruguay had a friendly with Argentina and I had a friendly with both. Almost made me muerte.
Miss Cricket: You have too much libertad.
Madame Python: Oh, right, and we need to include in some segment somewhere bits about how sometimes it’s fun to have less libertad. What’s that thing with the brooms and the ice?
Miss Cricket: Oh, that might work. That might work.
Madame Python: You didn’t finish your miso soup.
Miss Cricket: Not gonna.
Madame Python: Claudio.
Miss Cricket: Christ.
Contact Elizabeth Cricken: ElizabethCricken@gmail.com
Copyright 2012, Elizabeth Cricken, All Rights Reserved
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